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Congressman Hurt To Discover Lobbyist Not Really His Friend

Posted on February 4, 2012 by The Onion

WASHINGTON—According to Capitol Hill sources, Rep. Bobby Schilling (R-IL) came to the painful realization this week that agribusiness lobbyist Stephen Fischer, who had been kind and generous toward him for months and had often met up with him for dr…



Posted in Fiction

TV Listings: Downton Abbey

Posted on February 3, 2012 by The Onion

PBS
9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST

The hit British show has to do damage control after last week’s episode, in which all the characters referred to the fighting in France as "World War I."



Posted in Fiction

Greg Schiano Leaves Spotlight Of Rutgers Football For Low-Profile Buccaneers Job

Posted on February 3, 2012 by The Onion

TAMPA, FL—New Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano explained to reporters Friday his decision to leave Rutgers, saying the mid-Florida football team offered his family the privacy and anonymity he missed during his years in the Rutgers spotlight.



Posted in Fiction

[video] Poll: GOP Nomination Now Two-Way Race Between Mitt Romney, Total Voter Apathy

Posted on February 3, 2012 by The Onion

The FDA urges Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato, a suitcase looks forward all year to the carousel ride, and Syria is running dangerously low on citizens to oppress.



Posted in Fiction

Area Man Finally Sees Enough Images Of Bare Breasts For Entire Lifetime

Posted on February 3, 2012 by The Onion

BOISE, ID—With what he described as "a deep sense of satisfaction," local man David Glean closed his laptop Tuesday after viewing his 98,344th pair of naked breasts, telling reporters he had seen enough bare bosoms in his 32 years to last …



Posted in Fiction

Ron Paul Blames Florida Loss On Expensive Advertising Costs Of Poster Board, Markers

Posted on February 3, 2012 by The Onion

TAMPA, FL—After finishing last in this week’s Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul told reporters his poor showing in the polls was caused by the prohibitively expensive cost of the poster board, markers, and tape he uses to c…



Posted in Fiction

[video] Cocky Giants’ D Reveals Game Plan That They Will Try And Tackle Tom Brady

Posted on February 3, 2012 by The Onion

News is breaking all over Indy as the Giants reveal their plans to tackle Tom Brady, Belichick rallies the troops with genital mutilation, and Peyton Manning gets over the Colts with some casual football.



Posted in Fiction

[video] Bill Belichick Rallies Team By Castrating Player In Locker Rooms

Posted on February 3, 2012 by The Onion

News is breaking all over Indy as the Giants reveal their plans to tackle Tom Brady, Belichick rallies the troops with genital mutilation, and Peyton Manning gets over the Colts with some casual football.



Posted in Fiction

Opinion: Oh, Shit! What Day Is It? (by Punxsutawney Phil)

Posted on February 3, 2012 by The Onion

Boy, it feels like I just went to bed. I must’ve hibernated on my back all weird or something. What a dream, though, wow. I wonder what time it…



Posted in Fiction

American Voices: Should Sugar Be Regulated?

Posted on February 3, 2012 by The Onion

In a recent editorial in the journal Nature, researchers from the University of California–San Francisco suggested that as a toxic substance, sugar should be taxed and regulated like alcohol or tobacco.



Posted in Fiction

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