WTF? Daily News » Fiction

[audio] Gatorade Pledges $200 Million In Thirst Aid To Underquenched Nations

The Onion — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

In Focus: Gambling-Addiction Study Gets Out Of Hand

The Onion — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 16:30:00 +0000

LAS VEGAS, NV—A gambling-addiction study by researchers at UNLV's Gaming Studies Research Center has "gotten way out of hand," sources close to the project reported Monday.

Opinion: If Only There Were Some Way I Could Watch Premium Movies In The Comfort Of My Own Home (by Jeff Kunstler)

The Onion — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 15:00:00 +0000

Television technology has been improving for decades, to the point where anyone anywhere in the country has access to hundreds of quality cable channels at the touch of a button. Shouldn't watching the hottest films, with today's hottest stars, be just a click away, too?

Bar Patrons Dismayed By Sight Of Band Setting Up

The Onion — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 14:00:00 +0000

ATLANTA—Patrons of Valentine's Tavern were visibly crestfallen Tuesday when their pleasant evening of drinking and conversing with friends was suddenly derailed by the sight of a few people plugging in instruments.

American Voices: Tennessee Candidate Asks If Islam Is Cult

The Onion — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 13:30:00 +0000

At an event earlier this month, Tennessee gubernatorial candidate Ron Ramsey questioned whether Islam was a religion or a cult, drawing criticism from Muslim leaders.

Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job Interviews

The Onion — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 13:00:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—With unemployment at its highest level in decades, the U.S. Department of Labor issued a report Tuesday suggesting the crisis is primarily the result of millions of Americans just completely blowing their job interviews.

[audio] Area Man Experimenting With Homosexuality For Past 8 Years

The Onion — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

In Focus: New Gas Bill Designed By Some Kind Of Freaking Maniac

The Onion — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 18:15:00 +0000

BOSTON—Some kind of raving psychopath apparently gnawed through his restraints and burrowed out of the Massachusetts Center For The Criminally Insane to design the invoice for the Keystone Gas Company, 36-year-old Michael Beasley reported Monday.

Letters To The Editor: Color Blind

The Onion — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 18:00:00 +0000

Dear The Onion, I'm color-blind. What's green like? Brian Ackley, Southfield, MI

Statshot: What Tricks Are We Teaching Our Dogs?

The Onion — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 17:30:00 +0000